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Tomb Raider – The Boob Chronicles

“Tomb Raider – Underworld” is the 8th game in the legacy of Lara Croft and the latest odyssey in this busty brunette’s career. However, sales were far lower than Eidos expected, causing their stock to plummet. In the last year the company has lost 74 percent of its total value.

Searching frantically for an explanation to their demise, Eidos remembered all the aspects that made Tomb Raider great. What could they have missed? After countless hours of seeking they finally realized where they went wrong…


Eidos stopped having breasts on their brains. For years Lara has tit-illated us with her pixel rich bosom. Let’s face it; we purchased the game so we could better picture Lara naked. So in commemoration of Lara’s rack (which is getting sadly smaller every year).. I give you:

My dear Lara Craft, Laura Kroft.. whatever your name is.. we still enjoy the way you handle a pistol. Yet I am afraid that if you don’t bring back those good ol’ fashioned jugs, we will have to get comfortable with our own devices.

28 Comments

  1. Phoenix says:

    I’m probably the only guy here that will say this but “C”s are better than “G”s.

  2. loyalkng says:

    i think G’s on C’s would be gold.

  3. Gazz says:

    Heh, we should campaign Eidos; ‘Bring back the rack’ even if just for helping Lara float better… the years definitely have not been kind to Ms Croft.

  4. @catheybleu says:

    her waist got bigger and her boobs got smaller

  5. Lynn says:

    Whoever made that does not understand bra sizes. :

  6. Anonymous says:

    @Phoenix

    I’m with you. Bigger is not always better when it comes to ta ta’s.

    I would think this would be a good thing though. More realistic representation of the feminine form so that girls don’t feel inadequate from some game.

    Then again, I still hear how girls wish they were bigger regardless of how big they are…

  7. Marvin says:

    “Breasts are like pizza; there’s no such thing as bad pizza…it’s still pizza!”

  8. Stonedrunk says:

    I dunno all that chart really shows me, is how graphical improvements have made Lara more and more realistic. If anything I’d say she’s more appealing now, since she looks almost real. No, I’d have to say the cause of low sales is lack of much originality. It’s just like watching movie sequels. Eventually the audience is just going to get tired of seeing the same characters, go through the same basic plot line, over and over again.

  9. Nemesis says:

    @Marvin
    I crap on your pizza.
    Go ahead and eat it… it’s still pizza!

  10. TinMan says:

    Hrm, 1996-2000 all look the same size to me. 2003-2008 look the same size …

  11. Lynn says:

    They should have given her a camel toe.

  12. adam says:

    @Stoneddrunk
    What are you some kind of dumb? Of course poor sales are because her boobs got smaller, not because the games really haven’t changed anything since the first one. GAWD! 😉

  13. MB says:

    ya, i agree too. “C”s are better than “G”s.

  14. Econael says:

    The whole style has gradually slided from comic-like to somewhat realistic proportions.
    Forget the tatas for a second and look at her head and eyes! In 2000 she looked like a monster and her belt buckle was gargantuan 😀
    On the other hand, the guns got bigger.
    I’ll vote a ‘yes’ for the cameltoe, good idea Lynn =)
    Yes “C”‘s are better than “G”‘s (except if you’re sort on pillows :P)

    I wouldn’t mind the next lara to be more stylized again with a narrower waist.

  15. Fatman says:

    i love the F

  16. Tommy says:

    I think she looks more natural now, which is, in my opinion, far hotter than a giant set of tits running around the world.

  17. auzzie_clark says:

    I think they should keep the better graphics and increse the breast size and add a camel toe but then they’d lose like all the people playing it under the age of 18 but hell i’d still buy it

  18. Dominator says:

    don’t know what happened in 1997 but she was happy then at least … when is Nixie gona dress up as Lara ?

  19. hn says:

    btw have there ever been jiggle physics?
    I saw a trailer for the 2008 game, where she made a handstand somewhere: she was clearly not influenced by gravity.
    They dove straight to the bottom of the uncanny valley by rendering her as a barbie doll, not a human, however big the breasts…

  20. HunterA3 says:

    Ah yes. Ms Croft. The worlds most famous virtual improper fraction.

  21. j says:

    I’m sure its problem is not that. Now all of us have fast internet connections and lost of boobs there.

    I think It’s more as someone has just said (more of less): it is the same game than 14 years ago,but with better textures.

    And I sure prefer the new Lara and her C’s !

    Sorry for my awful English.

  22. GamerGeek says:

    yeah, i think this might not be the exact factor that the company lost 74% percent of thier value 😛 but i would prefer the the 34 C over the F, but that is just me

  23. she look cute in 2006, even if she’s thrusting her chest

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