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Top 5 Musical Mistakes in Gaming

We’ve learned from experience that video games can’t hold a tune when they are based on music celebrities. So I decided to make a Top 5 List of awful musician-based games in honor of 50 Cent’s upcoming train wreck, Blood on the Sand. Word.

5. Britney’s Dance Beat

Pop stars are all about repetition and this rhythm game is no exception. Loyal gamer fans get to enjoy her hit songs that play in one constant loop.. forever. Fans still grin and bear it with the hopes that they will get to play as their favorite singing southern Baptist from Louisiana. However, you never actually play as Britney, leaving fans with nothing but blue balls and bleeding ears.

4. 50 Cent – Bulletproof

“The titular protagonist is hip hop musician artist 50 Cent (Curtis James Jackson III) playing himself. The story revolves around Jackson’s search for vengeance, hunting down the hitmen that attempted to murder him. The game also features Tony Yayo, Lloyd Banks, and Young Buck, members of the G-Unit rap crew, as 50’s gang. Dr. Dre plays an arms dealer, Eminem plays a corrupt police officer, and DJ Whoo Kid playing as himself as a person selling “bootlegged” music (of the G-Unit camp) out of his trunk.”

Thank you Wiki, I couldn’t have said it better myself. This is a disaster. Sadly, the Wiki article forgot to note that that there is actually a woeful sequel set to come out this month. Simply because the game emulates GTA and revolves around a hapless musical star doesn’t make it sequel-worthy. What is the world coming to, foo?

3. Aerosmith – Revolution_X

This ill conceived notion of a video game could only have only come to be while hot-boxing their tour bus with some of the finest reefer the 90’s could offer. Upon drug induced contemplation of what enemies they should add to their masterpiece, Steven said something to this effect:

“We need to kick the asses of terrorists, cannibals and green skull things! Oh wait- Ninjas, man. Games always rock with ninjas. Which is good, ’cause that’s all we do.. ROCK!”

The sad thing is, these random enemies were indeed in the game but the ninjas looked more like possessed looking Power Rangers.

2. Hannah Montana – Spotlight World Tour

You know a game based off a Disney T.V show is inherently cool. In this supposed rhythm game button presses don’t match the beat. Actually, the controls use only analog sticks, no buttons at all. The production values are great for shopping for outfits for your moody tween but not for much else. Did I mention this moody tween has a superimposed floating head in the game scenes which reminds you vaguely of The Exorcist? The Exorcist with no story to speak of. Only the die-hard HM fan would actually go to the store and pick this up, and that’s after begging Mommy for early allowance money and taking the minivan to Wallyworld.

1. Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker

A picture is worth a thousand words, and it still doesn’t do justice to this insane game – so I’ve included a movie. Michael uses his twinkle-toes, crotch-grabs and other “dance” moves to “save” the children. Yet, who will save the kids from Michael? Looking back on this game after all the recent legal battles gives it a modern-day horror movie kind of creepy. No, please don’t take me to the Neverland Ranch!